As you already know, fitness used to be my life, therefore those three words; motivation, determination and willpower, all related to the gym, gymnastics or healthy and nutritious food. Now, because of M.E, those three words all relate to something entirely different.
In my previous life, before I became ill, I feel like I was very motivated and determined. However, this was purely to do with fitness and gymnastics. (My life didn’t consist of much else if I’m honest.) You probably know that I was so motivated that I went to the gym at least once a day. I was so determined to lose weight and get as fit as possible, I wouldn’t leave the gym until I had burnt a certain number of calories. I had a lot of willpower and would only eat food that was good for me or to help me lose weight.
Up until recently, if I met people that didn’t know me in my “previous life” I used to feel like they couldn’t see my motivation, determination and willpower. However, I have come to realize that is rubbish and I’ve never been so motivated and determined in my life. It’s just that those words are now to do with me staying alive, rather than being obsessed with fitness!
I now have to motivate myself to keep going and to keep fighting this stupid illness. I have to keep myself from going insane or getting depressed. I am incredibly determined to get better and return to gymnastics. Everyday is a battle. So far I am winning that battle, because I am still here. All day, everyday is hard work. Working as a gymnastics coach and being a fitness freak was nothing compared to what I have to do now. I work harder having a shower these days than I did all day coaching and working out in my “previous life”! Different people have different battles to fight. I am so grateful to now realize that everything wasn’t about fitness. I just wish I didn’t have to learn it this way!
However cliché this sounds, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,
Take care and look after yourself,