Friday, 18 April 2014

Isolation

Have you ever felt left out? It's a truly horrible feeling isn't it. The sad thing with M.E is that that feeling of being left out is pretty constant. I am no longer a normal 23 year old, doing normal 23 year old stuff. I am ill, I am not "normal," therefore I can't participate in all the things my friends do. This is by no means their fault that I feel left out, it is M.E's fault. 

I try to stay as included as possible with all of my friends and everyone is good at adapting to me but certain activities such as getting drunk as a skunk and dancing the night away are no longer viable. This really, really upsets me. I don't care much for the alcohol, I just want the dancing and the memory making. 

Last night, after enjoying a gorgeous dinner out, I had to go home to bed and be looked after because I couldn't move. I mean this literally. I felt like I was paralysed. My body would not allow me to move my arm to pick up my phone even. I was not tired, I was absolutely, truly exhausted. It was gutting to read, out of the corner of my eye because the phone had been strategically placed, that the girls were getting ready to go out and were discussing it on our group message, whilst I was being fed by someone because I couldn't do it myself. However, if the girls had a group message on Whatsapp without me I would feel even more left out and isolated.

I cried a couple of times last night, one time was out of pure frustration of not being able to party with my friends and the second was out of pain and because I was scared because I couldn't move. I was worried that I would not be able to move ever again, however dramatic that sounds! Having an illness can be a very very scary and isolating place, but it is always so nice to know that someone understands what you are going through and to be with you during the darkest, hardest times. 

This post just shows how little I have accepted the fact I am ill. It has no reflection on my friends whatsoever!! I want my girls to have fun, I want to know how their night was and who vomited first! Just sometimes it's hard for me to accept that I'm not well enough to take part in crazy nights like that anymore. 

I wonder how long it will take for me to accept my illness? I hope it's soon!!

Take care,

Rachel x



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