Thursday, 24 April 2014

Motivation, Determination, Willpower


As you already know, fitness used to be my life, therefore those three words; motivation, determination and willpower, all related to the gym, gymnastics or healthy and nutritious food. Now, because of M.E, those three words all relate to something entirely different. 

In my previous life, before I became ill, I feel like I was very motivated and determined. However, this was purely to do with fitness and gymnastics. (My life didn’t consist of much else if I’m honest.) You probably know that I was so motivated that I went to the gym at least once a day. I was so determined to lose weight and get as fit as possible, I wouldn’t leave the gym until I had burnt a certain number of calories. I had a lot of willpower and would only eat food that was good for me or to help me lose weight.

Up until recently, if I met people that didn’t know me in my “previous life” I used to feel like they couldn’t see my motivation, determination and willpower. However, I have come to realize that is rubbish and I’ve never been so motivated and determined in my life. It’s just that those words are now to do with me staying alive, rather than being obsessed with fitness!

I now have to motivate myself to keep going and to keep fighting this stupid illness. I have to keep myself from going insane or getting depressed. I am incredibly determined to get better and return to gymnastics. Everyday is a battle. So far I am winning that battle, because I am still here. All day, everyday is hard work. Working as a gymnastics coach and being a fitness freak was nothing compared to what I have to do now. I work harder having a shower these days than I did all day coaching and working out in my “previous life”! Different people have different battles to fight. I am so grateful to now realize that everything wasn’t about fitness. I just wish I didn’t have to learn it this way!

However cliché this sounds, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,

Take care and look after yourself,

Rachel x

Friday, 18 April 2014

Isolation

Have you ever felt left out? It's a truly horrible feeling isn't it. The sad thing with M.E is that that feeling of being left out is pretty constant. I am no longer a normal 23 year old, doing normal 23 year old stuff. I am ill, I am not "normal," therefore I can't participate in all the things my friends do. This is by no means their fault that I feel left out, it is M.E's fault. 

I try to stay as included as possible with all of my friends and everyone is good at adapting to me but certain activities such as getting drunk as a skunk and dancing the night away are no longer viable. This really, really upsets me. I don't care much for the alcohol, I just want the dancing and the memory making. 

Last night, after enjoying a gorgeous dinner out, I had to go home to bed and be looked after because I couldn't move. I mean this literally. I felt like I was paralysed. My body would not allow me to move my arm to pick up my phone even. I was not tired, I was absolutely, truly exhausted. It was gutting to read, out of the corner of my eye because the phone had been strategically placed, that the girls were getting ready to go out and were discussing it on our group message, whilst I was being fed by someone because I couldn't do it myself. However, if the girls had a group message on Whatsapp without me I would feel even more left out and isolated.

I cried a couple of times last night, one time was out of pure frustration of not being able to party with my friends and the second was out of pain and because I was scared because I couldn't move. I was worried that I would not be able to move ever again, however dramatic that sounds! Having an illness can be a very very scary and isolating place, but it is always so nice to know that someone understands what you are going through and to be with you during the darkest, hardest times. 

This post just shows how little I have accepted the fact I am ill. It has no reflection on my friends whatsoever!! I want my girls to have fun, I want to know how their night was and who vomited first! Just sometimes it's hard for me to accept that I'm not well enough to take part in crazy nights like that anymore. 

I wonder how long it will take for me to accept my illness? I hope it's soon!!

Take care,

Rachel x