As I think I’ve said before, I never know
the date, not even the year; I still think we are in 2012. I’ve thought about
this and maybe I am in denial. Maybe I don’t want to believe we are now in 2014
because this means time isn’t standing still, it’s moving on and passing me by.
I’ve been ill for over two years now and I feel like I haven’t progressed in
any area of my life. I do not really feel like I am living my life. I don’t
really enjoy many things now, I’ve had a couple of fantastic holidays and my
amazing friends and family are around me and I love spending time with them but
I feel like the period of time I have been ill for has stood still, and I wish
it had in a way because I want this time of my life back. I want to be well and
relive my very early twenties by partying hard and enjoying all of my hobbies.
I feel like days are just passing me by and I haven’t done anything productive.
I’ve watched a film and 2 episodes of Great British Bake Off. Well that’s not
really a story for the grandkids is it?
If I look at my situation overall I know
that this illness is teaching me lessons and building me into a stronger, more
understanding “better” human being but its so hard to see that day to day. I’m
not working, I’m not contributing to the world, I’m not passing any knowledge
on to anyone, I’m just sitting and resting and it seems sometimes as though I’m
worthless. I don’t have an identity, except I have M.E. That has become who I
am. I was a gymnastics coach, I adored it, it was my passion and I passed on my
knowledge and taught people my passion. That was who I was. I lost that and it
still upsets me that I am not that person anymore.
I want to progress in life and I want my
life to mean something. I hope with time, and lots and lots of sleep, my body
will heal and I will be able make those memories that I can eventually tell the
grandkids!
Take Care,
Rachel.
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