As I think I’ve said before, I never know the date, not even the year; I still think we are in 2012. I’ve thought about this and maybe I am in denial. Maybe I don’t want to believe we are now in 2014 because this means time isn’t standing still, it’s moving on and passing me by. I’ve been ill for over two years now and I feel like I haven’t progressed in any area of my life. I do not really feel like I am living my life. I don’t really enjoy many things now, I’ve had a couple of fantastic holidays and my amazing friends and family are around me and I love spending time with them but I feel like the period of time I have been ill for has stood still, and I wish it had in a way because I want this time of my life back. I want to be well and relive my very early twenties by partying hard and enjoying all of my hobbies. I feel like days are just passing me by and I haven’t done anything productive. I’ve watched a film and 2 episodes of Great British Bake Off. Well that’s not really a story for the grandkids is it?
If I look at my situation overall I know that this illness is teaching me lessons and building me into a stronger, more understanding “better” human being but its so hard to see that day to day. I’m not working, I’m not contributing to the world, I’m not passing any knowledge on to anyone, I’m just sitting and resting and it seems sometimes as though I’m worthless. I don’t have an identity, except I have M.E. That has become who I am. I was a gymnastics coach, I adored it, it was my passion and I passed on my knowledge and taught people my passion. That was who I was. I lost that and it still upsets me that I am not that person anymore.
I want to progress in life and I want my life to mean something. I hope with time, and lots and lots of sleep, my body will heal and I will be able make those memories that I can eventually tell the grandkids!